Thursday, December 31, 2009

I just woke up and breathed.
I know that sounds silly because if I hadn't, I'd probably be dead. ;)
I guess the better way to describe it is more of an exhale.

I usually wake up and lay for a minute, set my intentions for the day and then give gratitude for all that is.
This morning I woke up and just cried. I haven't really had a chance to reflect recently on the coming year for more then one reason. The main one being that I'm so busy in the present moment, that looking ahead almost seemed silly. I've learned to stay in the Now and try not to look forward or backwards because as my friend just recently shared with me "if you keep one foot in the past and one in the future, you're gonna constantly be pissing on yourself". lol. Its not exactly how I would word it, but you get the point. Another reason I haven't taken the time to think about the new year, is that the actual celebration of the new year has always been my favorite day of the year (besides my birthday) and this year I will be spending it working at the restaurant. I know, boo hiss bah humbug! Last night before I went to sleep, I took my own advice about life and instead of sulking in that thought like I've been doing for the last few weeks, I've decided to accept where I'm going to be, trust that I'm supposed to be there and even welcome the thought of celebrating with a lot of happy people enjoying themselves tonight. Who knows, maybe there will be a bottle of champagne sitting around somewhere for me to enjoy. ;)

Okay, back to my point. (One thing I've noticed this year, I still know how to ramble and ramble)
This morning I woke up and my whole year flashed before me. Not the details of every minute, but the path of lessons learned. I've decided 2009 is going to be entitled "LETTING GO". Phew. ((Btw, when do I use "entitled" or "titled"? I just spent the last 3 minutes going back and forth on that word. I'm settling on "entitled". Sounds smarter. ;)) Letting go. Even now as I write that, I can't help but exhale again. There is such FREEDOM in saying that and doing that. I've spent so many years trying to cover up, hide, control, hold on to...whether it's been me, or someone else, or a situation. To come to the realization or rather the KNOWINGNESS  to let go and just trust, has been the greatest lesson learned this year!

It has allowed me to start the journey of self acceptance. As a lot of you have shared many years with me, you know my body issues I've carried around with me. I've spent years being in a body I was obsessed with. Whether it was loving it at the moment or being disgusted by it. Either way, it was an obsession that took up every minute of everyday. I let it go. The true journey began earlier this year when I just decided to start posting full body shots online. I was tired of hiding and pretending that I was this perfect little "cropped" package. My body is still not in the "perfect" (if there is such a thing) little package, but IT IS WHAT IT IS and I'm learning to love it and accept it. I got tired of obsessing about it, thinking about it and ultimately being ashamed of it. I'm still working on it, but for the present moment, I'm not disgusted by it and honestly, that's a huge huge accomplishment for me. One that allows me to look at myself in the mirror and breathe. I even tell myself occasionally that I'm pretty damn sexy. (Hey, if we don't compliment ourselves, who will?)  :)

 Letting go has allowed me to trust in this crazy process we call life. It has allowed me to trust in the decisions that I make, the events that take place after that decision has been made, and to trust that even if things didn't go as *I* had hoped, that whatever is happening is exactly as it should be. Yes, even the events that "seemed" awful or unfair, I accepted them because I have learned that "that there is always a piece of fortune in misfortune".  Man you can't get more freeing than that! Letting go has allowed me to just breathe. I keep saying that because you can't imagine a more beautiful physical release then just exhaling when you have full trust that everything is as it should be. I guess you can see why that is one of  most amazing things I've experienced this year!

I also woke up and cried too. (Really Shari? Breathing hard and crying? I sound like a toddler having a tantrum.) I cried because I felt blessed. I have met the most amazing people this year its beyond comprehension! I have been surrounded by such love and beauty and kindness that it blows me away. For years I have spent giving of myself and this year I learned that it's okay to accept it too. And boy did I ever! I learned to love myself enough to know that I deserved it and it was okay to be loved. Now there is so much around me, I'm not sure how to navigate my way through it?!? lol. From meeting new people, to reconnecting with old friends, to strengthening old friendships and to finding new ones. I've been beyond blessed! I've learned this year what is truly important and that is Love! I've always known it inside, as I've always been led by it, but I've never fully swam in it. I was always on the outside looking in. This year, this moment, I'm immersed in it. I guess it's the reason I want to share so much of it! It's what we are made of and it's also what we forget most often. I don't want to spend one more day on this Earth searching for the external to make me happy. I know the joy resides internally and not one thing from the outside world will ever give me lasting happiness as those things are constantly in motion and change! If I relied on those things for happiness, then I will constantly be up and down with emotions. The one steady thing in life is the joy we can find in our own selves. Our heart, our love, our spirit. That shouldn't have to rely on any situation or any person to fulfill. Finding and discovering this secret, has allowed for all the other beautiful people and situations to enter my life.

Those are the reasons I blubbered like a child this morning. I'm beyond grateful for the accomplishments I've made this year and am continuing to make but it's not about the tangible "things" I'm getting or will be receiving, but rather the knowingness that I'm doing exactly what I should be doing and that I'm living each and every moment with full faith and love and that I'm sharing that with the world. I can't imagine a more beautiful place to reside in!

I can only imagine 2010 is going to be a continuation of all life lessons being learned. We never stop learning. The moment I think I've figured something out is the moment life presents another lesson. It's kind of exciting actually! This year is still going to be about the Now. About loving, living and breathing. Just BEing. There's a reason why we are called human BEings and not human DOings. It's okay to just exhale.

I will be exhaling with all my restaurant patrons and coworkers this evening. It might not be my "dream" New Year's, but I am confident it's exactly where I'm supposed to be so I might as well love it and embrace it and find a friggin bottle of champagne! :)

Wishing you all a year filled with Love, filled with Faith and filled with the wisdom to know that everything little thing is gonna be alright! (insert Bob Marley) :)

Happy 2010 friends and family!!!!

All MY Love,


AndiWritesAgain said...

I'm setting a tone/vibration right now that all of these wonderful thoughts you're emitting to the world will again a huge audience. I see your success!!! Happy New Year!

Shari G said...

Thank you Andi! That means the world to me! :) Happiest of new years to you as well!!!