Saturday, November 25, 2006

When we were kids, our parents used to entrust us with our friends parents at sleepovers, with the neighbors when they needed to run some errands, and with our teachers, coaches and religious leaders when they would send us off to school or other activities. This has all since changed. We no longer deem adult/child relationships/friendships as appropriate. We somehow perceive them as unhealthy and morally wrong. When did developing and forming these relationships with children become an unacceptable thing? When we realized that their are people out there who do not have our children's best interest in mind and take advantage of our little ones. What we have lost in the process by cutting off and making these bonds unacceptable and looked down upon, is the guidance and protection and security that these children so badly desire and need. By us taking back our influence as role models for fear of how it might be misunderstood, we have in effect, opened the doors to these predators and escorted them ourselves into our childrens lives. They then have the opportunity to provide a false sense of love, attention, security, protection and guidance that our children so deeply need and crave. We need to step back up and take back our rightful places as role models and protectors for our children knowing that if our intentions are honorable, they will be perceived as honorable. Let us stop living a fear-based existence and do what needs to be done and take back our responsibility as adults and leaders and caregivers and give our children what they so truly require and that is US. Let us not leave our children open and vulnerable to the bad seeds out there because they feel that they have no one else to turn to. Whether you have children or not, take on the role of a mentor, role model, guardian and not worry that society will look at it as if there is something wrong with the relationship between child and adult. Let us re-establish ourselves in our childrens lives once again. It is our duty. They deserve it!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

So a couple of months ago I posted a blog talking about how my therapist said that I need to get more specific in the type of guy I want to have a future relationship with. The only thing I came up with was someone that had a "Y" chromosome. Well, needless to say, I have met a lot of those. So specificity (word?) is what I am assuming would probably be easier for the universe to bring to me. So, badumbabum (that's my drum roll)... what I have figured out so far is that I want to spend my time with someone who when the sun rises has a smile on their face and an excitement to start the day...(with me of course).

Somebody witty, creative, funny ,silly, SINGLE, loyal, committed, goofy, intelligent, motivated, SINGLE, driven, passionate, romantic, treats me like I am a princess,SINGLE, loves to travel, loves to talk a lot...but knows when I need to talk too.(which is a lot).

Basically, somebody who is grateful for each and everyday we have here and looks forward to right now.
There. Thank you for your time. In the meanwhile, I am having a relationship right now with myself and I must say that I am a pretty damn good catch.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006


The first day of the month. Everyday seems like a brand new day. I mean, I know it is, but it's almost as if I am creating something and heading in this brand new exciting and wonderful direction. It is almost as if it's a new life. Or actually like a very old friend that has always been there. Just needed to reconnect. That is what all this is. I just finished skimming through my one woman show that I wrote almost 3 years ago, and granted that a lot of it was for entertainment purposes, but my core was in every single word on those pages. My doubts, my fears, my hopes, my state of mind. It's strange and at the same time not surprising that I already had all the answers. I knew exactly what I had to do with my life to be happier or just more peaceful. I saw so clearly then the conscious choices I was making to BE unhappy. I couldn..t understand why the world was against me and the truth of the matter was, it was me. I was my own abuser and victim. No one else. Just me. I might have been around people who didn't treat me kindly, but *I* chose those people in my life. They showed up because I invited them in. I didn't understand why I kept finding myself in the same situations time and time again, when the truth of the matter was, I wanted to. I wanted to keep blaming others for my hurt and pain because it was easier than doing the work it would take to find the love for me. I was looking for others to love me and accept me when I couldn't even do that for myself. I know, we all KNOW this and preach it and believe that we truly do love ourselves. I know I believed it. I knew I was good to people, had a good personality, knew I loved truthfully and loyally (is that a word?) and just convinced myself that despite the obvious physical issues I had with myself, I truly did love me. Bullshit. If I did, there is no way I would've allowed ONE person, let alone several to compromise my standards for what I wanted in my life or how I should be treated. The only reason they were "allowed" to, is because *I* allowed them to. I invited them to. It was what I expected from others since that is what I knew from being a child who had to deal with issues that no one that age or really any age should have to. Reading my thoughts from 3 years ago and the way I looked at myself as a victim and the world being against me just makes me smile now. I literally laughed out loud. I was packing up my computer to take to starbucks (of course) and I came across my one-woman show that I always put in my bag so I eventually would be motivated to finish or actually re-write a true ending and just decided to open it and laughed at the first few lines.. "To get up or not to get up..that is the question... This might sound like such a strange dilemma I am going through to you because I don't sound really tired..I'm not. I just know that this day is headed where every other day goes..NOWHERE".

WOW!!! Geez, I wonder why I wasn't headed in a positive direction in my life? I had no expectations for myself except to stay unhappy and pathetic. LOL. Seriously. But the truth of the matter that actually makes me overwhelmed right now is that I am NO LONGER IN THAT PLACE. What overwhelms me and moves me and mystifies me even, is that when I turned to the last page of my script, I told myself exactly what I know right now. This moment. I already KNEW what had to be done. I already KNEW the answers I know right now. I just chose to not pay attention to what needed to be done. I CHOSE to stay in that place and continue to blame it on the dark cloud that followed me. The endless victim. The girl that the world was against. But I kept that smile. Oh yes. Shari and that smile. Me and that damn smile. That smile that masked so much but at the same time knew that that is who I was and am. That smile is me. But the funny thing is, it was a mask and a truth all at the same time. It hid so much of what was underneath, but also was the light and truth that was under that mask still fighting to be seen knowing that eventually all would be stripped away and it would still be there glowing.

What am I talking about? I have never been good at metaphors. They always sounded so poetic and I have always wanted to write "intelligently" It's funny what our impressions of what intelligence are to each of us or really are impressions of anything. I used to try to write poetry like other people. Like what I thought poetry was supposed to be like. But I would come up with things like "Can Drano suck out the dirt and hurt in my heart like it does in my tub?" LOL. I'm such a dork sometimes. But I am okay with that. I am learning to be okay with the fact that I am not as witty as I want to be. That sometimes I have the funniest things or comebacks to say and sometimes I just sit there in silence with 87 thoughts running through my head that I am left with nothing to say. I am okay with the fact that I am sometimes a much better writer than I am talker even though I want to be an actress. I am okay with the fact that when I am in a confrontational situation, that I get overwhelmed by emotion and cry sometimes while fighting with someone. I used to hate it because I thought that it made me look weak because I was not a good debater, just crier. I am okay with the fact that I need a lot of attention some days. It might be too much for some, but there will be others who have no problem expressing their feelings the way I do. I am okay with the fact that sometimes I can stay in my pajamas all day long and watch 7 hours of tv to have mindlessness and then at other times want to get in my car and just drive to nowhere so I can be filled with my thoughts. I am okay with the fact that one day I can be so passionate about the way I feel about something, and the next day disagree with myself completely. I know that can be frustrating to people, because how can someone take your word on something if you are constantly changing your mind? The reason is, is that my heart doesn't change about my core beliefs. My love, my loyalty, my devotion is always constant. The way I feel about a situation might change. The way I feel about an interest might change..but me, Shari, is always present. The girl that loves meeting new people and delving sometimes so far into their lives and interests to experience it all! I don't see how anyone sees that as bad. I want to learn it all, know it all, experience it all. At the end, I hold on to what I connect with. What I want to. I tried being a vegetarian for a year, I tried Buddhism, I started claiming Jesus as my lord and saviour because my mom told me to. (we are Jewish). LOL. At the end of the day, no one can convince me of anything. At the end of the day, my heart knows what my heart knows and what is right for me. Right now my heart is saying that everything that is happening to me in my life..the start of new friendships, the temporary closings of others, the reconnections with old ones, the pain, the fear, the hope, all of it I can say confidently, is EXACTLY where I should be. I have no doubt in my mind that I am being true to myself everyday. The best part about it, is that I am doing what I said 3 years ago I would be doing one day. And that is, no matter what comes my way, I know that I will be okay and that light will continue shining. The difference now is that I avoid the situations that can bring harm my way. I don't search to be hurt. I don't invite it in. I listen to my truth even if in the moment it seems easier to make the more harmful choice for the temporary satisfaction it might bring. I don't think so much. I just am. I am more comfortable in me everyday and the decisions I make. It's honestly the most peaceful loving place to be. Now granted, that doesn't mean that I wont hurt or that I wont sometimes find myself in an unexpected situation that might not be where I thought I would be. But I know that I can deal with it, not get lost in it and not allow it to be a downward spiral that just invites more of it into my life. And THAT is more comforting and exciting and uplifting and joyous then I could've imagined that "perfect" life I thought I had to have.

I think I might have just helped finish writing the end to my script.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

The Unfoldable Soul

Taken by this moment. Lost. sometimes so hopeful and clear and at other times clouded by this layer of uncertainty and doubt. i know thats all just the other stuff coming in. the old thoughts. the old demons. the old shari. the funny thing is, within a second of writing that, i know how silly that is. i know that by me saying that, i am attracting more of that into my life. i know that ultimately, i have all the answers. i know i know i know. so why? so why do i still sit here in front of my computer lost. lost. its like my luggage is filled all the way. ready to go. ready to take off. i just dont have the ticket. dont know where its going. but i am waiting. waiting. for answers. for clarity. for something. isnt it enough that i know what i want in my heart? isnt that enough to get me moving? there are some people who dont even know whats at their core. i do. i know it wants to heal. it wants to make others smile. it wants to bring joy to their lives. laughter. smiles. life. contentment. happiness. joy. inspiration. i know i dont want others to suffer. i know i want everyone to see what goodness lies out there on this planet. to know that we are all in this together. to know with such certainty that you are me and i am you. we are we. i know this sounds so "out there" to some, but it makes so much sense to me. it sits well in my heart. that is what gives me peace when i lay my head down at night. what doesnt bring me peace is this place i am at in my head where i allow my thoughts to get the best of me. the little voice inside that is just laughing at me because once again, shari is just talking. spouting. idealizing. dreaming. here comes crazy shari again with the questions...what is wrong with that though? we all should dream. we all should live consciously in this moment and never forget now. right now. forget tomorrow. forget yesterday. now. okay, well shari, i guess there is your answer. right now i want to figure this out. in the past i have done nothing except talk about it and worry about the future. perhaps, right now is all there is and right now i am discovering that i am still lost. damn it. :P

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Friday, September 22, 2006

Just randomly writing like I said I would do everyday. I woke up today feeling a sense of purpose. Okay, that is slightly a lie. I know there are bigger reasons for me being here and I am working towards finding out exactly what it is. I know that I am going to make major changes in this world, its just finding out on what level. I started volunteering yesterday for Project Angel Food. I delivered to 5 different homes. Each person so completely different. But all of them in the same position. Waiting to have their food delivered by someone who knows their situation. I wonder if that makes any sort of difference in their lives. When I have food delivered, I never really think that much what the driver is thinking except maybe that I am too lazy to cook and perhaps that chocolate cake is a bit unnecessary. Here I am showing up at their door knowing that they have HIV/AIDS. The funny thing is, I have absolutely no judgement of them whatsoever. All I want to do is bring a smile to their front door. Many times, I am the only communication they have with the outside world. I thought there would be a bit more interaction with them yesterday. You can tell the ones though who want to be left completely alone as they grabbed their food from around the back of the door to “Flint” who introduced himself and made small conversation with me. I liked him. His place permeated of marajuana. I almost invited myself in. :-) He lived there with another man who also is infected. They were 2 young guys, good looking, and great personalities. You would never know just “looking” at them, that this terrible virus is eating up their insides. I have a feeling I will get to know them a lot better. Actually, I am counting on it. I am driving again today. I walked away though yesterday knowing that there is more I need to be doing. I think I need to be speaking in public forums. I know that is where my influence lies. But I guess I need to start at the source. Knowing these people, so I am not just talking about them as “them”, but as “us”. It could be any of us. I am also very interested in getting a food drive started for the homeless shelters in my area. My restaurant throws out so much food every single day that there is no reason that we cant be giving it to people who truly need it. I am surprised more restaurants don’t do this. They make it so easy for you. They will come to your location and pick it up. I don’t see where the issue lies. I guess there might be some legal issues involved although I cant see homeless people suing a restaurant over food that they got sick on since it was free. Although, considering the money they need, I guess you never know. But cant our regular paying customers do the same thing? I don’t know. I need to do something though. This idle everyday coming and goings and spending silly money while others are dealing with non-stop life and death issues puts so much in perspective for me. I truly am blessed everyday of my life with what I have and the support system that is behind me no matter what happens. I shall make every effort within me on a human level to remember how lucky I truly am and how insignificant my complaints are. I have a beautiful apt and I have no lack of a social life or friends. I have a car, a laptop computer and all I seem to do is talk about how broke I am. How funny is that? Actually, how sad? I know we all have our problems and mine are mine and I only know what I feel, but after starting this volunteering, I think I am going to see things a bit differently. But I don’t want to be on the “outside” of it, just talking about it like it doesnt really affect me directly. I don’t want to make it a “them” and “us” thing. We are all on this earth together and we all share the same human bonds. We are humans and not one of us is better or more important than one another no matter what we possess or lack. We all possess the same thing. A heart and that will always put us on equal footing. ONE. ONE heart. ONE bloodline. ONE love.

On another note, my friend will be here a week from today. I am so looking forward to his visit. It will be a quick weekend, but a weekend none-the-less. All I want to do is hug him and just spend all day and night talking to him and finding out who he is and how he came about. It will be a fun and interesting weekend. I am sure of it. I have this small part of me that is concerned that I do not meet up to his expectations physically, but really at the end of the day, shouldn’t he see past that? Of course he will on a friendship level, but I guess there is a small part of me that hopes that this is it. I have never felt more at peace with someone than I do with him. But actually, I do know the larger reason we have come into eachothers lives. I know for a fact that we will be doing great things together. I see travel and changing peoples lives in our future. I know this. With every ounce of my being, through each and every cell of mine, I know this with full confidence. Its just figuring out exactly what we should be doing. I think it involves kids. Perhaps some sort of artist thing that just involves these young people and helps develop their self esteem in ways that I needed growing up. My therapist says that is probably why I am so committed to wanting to talk about my sexual abuse and my weight issues and divorce etc, because there is a need in me to give these kids what I never had. Its strange to think that there was a certain level of love that I was not given because I was always so confident in that one thing. I knew I was loved so much even with all the issues my parents had. I was, but I think more than anything I was not accepted. I refuse to let children grow up that way thinking that they werent good enough. No matter what they looked like, talked like, they should all be loved. Sexual abuse is so rampant and it kills me that it has become part of the norm. It’s actually unusual these days to hear about people who have NOT been abused. I cant be the one to stop it, but I can be there for these people who have to deal with the after affects. I know that I was affected in my life by what happened, but I also know that I never blamed myself ever. Even though in other ways it has affected my choices in life till this day, at least there was one aspect that I was able to not take blame for and for that I am grateful and feel that I could perhaps let these kids know the same thing and make them understand that for themselves. That is the gift I can give them.

I really need to start working on this show of mine. I know I will be incorporating all these new aspects (revelations) in my life but I want it to appeal to people on an entertainment level. I don’t want it to come across as preachy where no one will want to hear what I have to say. I think there will be a day when it all comes together and just makes sense and I wont be able to stop writing. This laptop is going to be great because even though this journal entry sucks, its getting me to write and stuff will come out of it. Anything.

It’s so funny how such an “average” looking person can end up looking so hot just because of their hair style or clothes they wear. This guy just walked into the coffee shop and his physical features arent anything special, but he has on such stylish clothes and his hair all coifed looking all “L.A.” and I couldnt stop looking. How superficial is that? Although, is it really? Because if I was really superficial, wouldnt I still find him unattractive? I guess it all depends on what attracts you to the person. Nonsense. Nonsense. Nonsense. What I am writing is nonsense but I am going to keep writing until something comes up.

I am having a quadruple latte today. LOL. What is next? Injecting coffee into my bloodstream? I think drinking this coffee has had the opposite effect on me today. Instead of giving me focus to write, it has made my mind jump around and not be able to focus on one subject. But then again, I have never been able to focus on one thing for long anyway.

I need to start eating better. I am scaring myself this past week or so. Its like my food has become my best friend because I have not been social. Drinking, etc. My doc brought up an important point recently. He said that my relationship with food is the one last remaining unhealthy relationship in my life. I have moved on and gotten rid of the bad people and habits except for the eating. It’s like I am still sabotaging myself with the food. When I am out and about, I don’t think about food, but as soon as I am alone, it starts taunting me. It sucks. I wish I didnt have to deal with this issue. I know eventually it will no longer be an issue because I will have such inner peace from this new direction my life is taking me in. I am soooooooo excited about figuring out this life and my purpose. It’s such an exciting place to be in my life these days. I am meeting different kinds of people online that are in the same place I am and I love it. Even people at work (customers) have noticed my glow. I love that. One woman said she sees a spark in my eyes. It’s there. It’s this new found focus and excitement in my life for what lies ahead. I don’t know if acting is it, well, I know that it will definitely play a part in my life, but not sure how just yet. Patience shari. Patience. All will be revealed. Alright, I think this is plenty of writing for the day and week perhaps. :-)

Monday, October 09, 2006

Am I the only person who watches the news and gets sickened by watching someone put their hands around someones neck? How could anyone possibly think they have the right to put someone else's life in their own hands? Literally. Seeing anything that deals with death or harm to another really physically makes me ill. I am not trying to sound all peace loving or naive or whatever, but there is a physical reaction inside my body that just knows how wrong it is. Brothers and sisters. One family. One people. One life isnt more important than anothers. Okay, that's all I have to say about that.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Who Is She? (Part deux~i have always wanted to say "deux")

So I passed out pretty early that night knowing that I had a long day in the park tomorrow. I woke up earlier than expected and decided since I really didnt know where I was going and what exactly the days events were (damn laptop wireless), I would just get there early. I went to the front desk of the motel and my Indian friend was not there. I asked this guy for some directions and well, by the end of our conversation, I had decided that I knew more about San Francisco than he did. I decided to trust my instincts (my friends always say I should be a cab driver) and look at the cartoon map that came in the sightseeing guide in my room and wing it. I was pretty damn impressed with myself. I remember from memory which part of the park they said to enter from when I read it online before i left. So, I parked right at the street because it was so early and no one was there yet. I am always early to everywhere. My sister used to call me the "OTK" (official time keeper) when we would go places because I was constantly nagging about time. It paid off so I thought. If I would've known more about this city, I would've realized that you can park in some places in the park much closer to where the event was taking place. So I walked a bit to get into there. Now the one thing you have to realize and I am sure you do by looking at my pictures, I am one who enjoys the art of make-up, fashion and style. Now I am not ignorant, I knew where I was going for the day, but being in good ol' Shari fashion, I still put together a down-played "outfit" and less make-up, but make-up none-the-less. I thought I would definitely "fit" in. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Okay, I guess I did fit in, because all the people here were just about loving and being kind to one another, but on a superficial level, I stood out like a sore thumb. Oh well. At least I smelled good. Not as good as when I left smelling like that fragrant herbal scent that permeated this concert. Mmmm...good times to come. :-)

So I found the event and since it started at 9am and I was there around 8, they were still setting up the booths and tents. Thankfully there was a booth open selling espresso and I decided to partake in a large one. Surprise I know. I walked through the damp grass and chilly air and made my way to the mainstage to set up camp. Okay, not exactly camp since all I brought was a messenger style bag with my camera and yes some make up. But ONLY in case I was going to go out later. I promise!!!! As I was making my way to the stage, I see some people arriving early as well, with blankets and picnic boxes and yoga mats and well, the way one goes when attending an all day event. Obviously I had not been to one before. So as these long haired, flowing skirt wearing people set up camp, i took my San Francisco hoodie off (that i bought the day before in Fishermans Wharf because it was so cold~only positive part of seeing the wharf) and set my camp up under my butt on the wet grass. Mmm..this was gonnna be fun!

I kinda sat there like a lost soul for a minute or two and then just decided to let it go and be where I was and with who I was because this was going to be an all day event. More people started arriving with their yoga mats which I thought was just a "hippie" "new age" replacement for a blanket. I am sometimes a bit air-headed. No, they were actually doing yoga. LOL. I started watching some people start stretching and before I knew it, it was like Cirque de Solei in front of me. I felt like a tourist snapping pictures but I couldnt help it. I needed other people to see what I was seeing. I had done yoga a couple of times, but I suddenly felt like there was this secret club where all these people really learned yoga. I wasn't sure what I was doing there. Finally a woman came around telling people that the yoga was going to be further back beyond the PA system so they could hear her. It finally dawned on me that I remember reading online before I left that there was a yoga session from 9-11 am. I looked around and watched everyone grab their stuff and move back to the area. I stood up like I was going to go with them hoping that there would be some people that would stick around. I mean, there had to people some flower children that didn't partake in yoga. There were, but they were their grandparents. So, I stayed back with the folks and kinda just sat there and took some pictures of them setting up. The woman got on the PA system and told everyone to walk away from their mats and join hands in a circle. I didnt know what was going to happen, but I did know that I needed to be part of this. Not sure why, but I ended up there holding hands with complete strangers. You have no idea the feeling of seeing this circle. I am not good with numbers, but I would say there were at least a few hundred people joined hands. It reminded me of that coke commercial I think...Hands Across America or something like that. That alone in itself was a beautiful site to be witnessed and more so to be experienced. From that moment on, I KNEW I was in the right place.

She had us do several basic yoga (balance/trust) "things". (How's that for yoga terminology?) We were sending energy and light and power through our toes to our heads out to the other sides of the circle. You could literally feel the energy buzzing in the circle. I will not lie, I felt closer to humanity than I had before. I shed a tear or 7. I know some of you are thinking how hokey this is. I understand. I was right there with you. But there is no denying our human spirit and our connection. Whether you are a cynic or a believer or a confused one...this was real. No other way to explain it. We did a couple of chants (yes, OM's) and again, the waves going through that circle were incredible. They they had us back to our mats (my sweater) and I went back to my little campsite and watched. I also realized that the cirque de solei performers before were actually the ones leading the yoga class so I didnt feel so left out anymore because they were actually professionals. :-) I participated from my place a bit with as much physically as I could do with my bad knees and well, my stylish yet downplayed outfit. Now I knew why half of the people came in workout pants. I just thought they were being "hippie" we dont care how we look people. Ahh, stereotypes...they will usually prove you wrong and laugh in your face just when you are really convinced that is the way something is. So when things became too "advanced" for me, I decided to walk around a bit and check out the booths and merchandise. I knew my place would be waiting when I got back because since I was just one person, I just had to find a spot for me and my butt. (yes, 2 spots) Oh, I forgot to mention that the main headliner of this event, Michael Franti (Spearhead) was there doing yoga with everyone. That was cool. I was buying some stuff when I saw them wrapping up the session and I knew I wanted to go over and talk to him and take a picture for my friend. I went up to him and told him how much his music meant and what a great job he is doing putting the word out there. He hugged me and called me his sister and I got pretty high just smelling him. I knew this was gonna be a good show. They started with some African music and moved on to Carribean and Latin and it was just a world music event. The place started getting more and more crowded and by the time the headliner went up, there was around 50,000 people they said. The largest turn-out ever since this concert started 8 years ago. It showed that people were more concerned now than ever about the state of affairs about this earth. Not just about this country, but about this EARTH. About WE as humans, not as "US" or "THEM" but "WE". I will honestly say, that is the main thing I took from this event. We can all place blame, we can have the left and right wing politicians, we can have the anti-war protesters, the pro-war activists, it doesnt matter...we all have our opinions, but if we just respected eachothers differences and opinions and just showed kindness, it wouldnt matter what your beliefs were. That is all they are, just beliefs. Our humanity is what is important here. We are all part of ONE thing. Whether your belief of our evolution is from science or religion or magic or whatever, we are ALL here together. Why can't we surpass these boundaries because that is all they are. Palestine and Israel...just a dotted line separating a sidewalk. An Israeli woman and a Palestinean woman stood on stage together, not as enemies, but as women, as mothers, as daughters, as friends, as HUMANS. I know this all sounds so idealistic in terms of the world coming together in harmony, but I am sure it sounded that way when Martin Luther King Jr. spoke. I know for myself, that when I think of world peace, I think of such a grand scale that I have no idea where I fit in in making a change. I know that is why I lived in denial about it and thought of it as a world problem and not in my backyard.

Five years ago today, it was in our backyard. But the funny thing is, our backyard is everywhere. Israel is in our backyard, London is in our backyard, Sudan is in our backyard, Ethiopia is in our backyard. As Michael Franti so eloquently puts it in his song "Hello Bonjour"~
"I dont need a passport to walk on this earth, Anywhere I go cause I was made of this earth."
"I'm born of this earth, I breathe of this earth, and even with the pain I believe in this earth."
Okay, so just like some of you, I would have read that and knew that it was right and that is the way it should be and I would feel inspired and want to do something and then a day or so later, I would forget and go about my normal day. I understand. I am that girl. I was that girl. But I cant sit silently anymore. The more of us that do that and think that we cant make changes, the more changes wont be made. Again, I know this sounds cliche, but at some point, we have to get off our butts and do something. They kept saying BE PEACE NOW. Not tomorrow, not next year, but right NOW. They also kept saying "We're on the move". I really got that. You start saying it enough and you start to make it happen.

Okay, so what can I, a broke, struggling actress who really waits tables in an overpriced city like LA do to make a difference? It really is what it was all along. First off, you cant offer peace out to anyone, unless you have inner peace first. That also sounds cliche, but the only reason I was even able to start to believe in that, was because of my friend. He breaths it, he lives it, he is it. I have never seen that from anyone. I know it's attainable. I am working towards it. I am human, with money issues, relationship issues, self-image issues, but I am making a CHOICE to respond to them by not responding to them. The more power I put into them, the more power they have. Once I stop focusing and stressing about them, they no longer exist. I just start claiming them, then they are. Why is a table called a table? Because that is what we were told. Why cant I call myself a successful actress, a peace activist, a lover, a writer, a giver, a phenomenal woman? I think I just did. :)

Okay, hopefully I havent lost you yet. I listened to the speakers, the poets, the young children, the musicians...all of them doing THEIR part to make a difference. We all have our own unique talents and abilities. What I learned as I watched this young east coast new yorker get on stage who reminded me so much of an Adam Sandler type who just spoke from his heart, with his sense of humor and his stoned eyes, but with HIS truth... I learned that is all we can do. I can only speak from MY truth. Not from my friend's truth, not from Ghandi's truth, but from mine. By being myself which is a woman who longs for love, respect, kindness, harmony along with humor and goofiness and laughter and sarcasm and playfulness and yes, even sexyness and flirtation and a small dose of freakiness, I am being true to myself. So, with that said, I realized all I have to do is continue being truthful to who I am as long as I don't disrespect and dishonor others, this earth and myself, then I can say that I am also "on the move".

I have grander ideas of what I want to do to make a difference, but for right this moment, writing this blog was of much importance. Because like you, you might think tomorrow I might feel a bit different and not as passionate. But I will tell you this, you might've been right before this weekend. Actually, I know you were. Today, I am CHOOSING to not be that way anymore. I hope that in whatever way you can, you can make today different for you and for others around you. I PROMISE that "perfect" relationship, that "perfect" job, that "perfect" home, that "perfect" life...that whatever it is that you keep searching for to fulfill you, WON'T. What will? Helping others, being kind, seeing that YOUR life made a difference. Even if just on myspace.

By the way, the weather was gloomy and cloudy and rainy the whole weekend. Sunday morning I woke up and the sun was shining. My whole drive back to LA was incredible. I had my arm out the window like a little kid as if I was flying. I saw the puzzle pieces. I saw it all appearing before me. I saw the blur starting to clear up. It's all coming together now and it's so exciting!!! I wish you all inner peace and love. Then spread it!!

Who Is She? (Part 1)

You know, I have asked myself that question it seems for my whole life. But the past few months more than ever. Especially being on this site where people who know you make judgements, people who dont know you make judgements, and where you start making judgements about yourself based on what others start to believe about you. I was that person. I started on this site "looking" for a boyfriend. That honestly was my goal of being on here. I didnt want to accept women as "friends", well because honestly, I had the few I wanted in my life, and really, I never really trusted them so much. But I think more I just wanted lots and lots of men on my page to stalk. It worked. I met men. I went on lots and lots of dates and had some insane experiences. So much so, that I had an idea to write a coffee table book about my internet dating life but put that on the back burner as in mostly everything else I do. Some time went by and I met someone here who ultimately has led me to this point. Someone who initially I didnt want as a myspace friend. He didnt "fit" the mold of who I was looking for in a boyfriend. Mostly because he lived very far away and well, if you know me, so far from my "type". But, there was this inner voice speaking to me and his persistance and the fact that I knew it was safe because he lived so far away. All I had to do was just ignore his messages if it got to much or if I just didnt want to talk to him. I mean, it was just the computer. All I had to do was press delete.

He is now the reason why I think it might be cheaper just to fly to him than pay these damn cell phone bills. Funny how life works. How things come into your life at just the moment you need them to. Even if you dont realize it just yet. I didn't realize it until this weekend. I knew on an emotional level how much he had helped me. How he just confirmed my already present belief in the goodness of people. He didnt change the core of who I was and my beliefs, what he did was confirm them and give them a voice. For that, I will be eternally grateful. He was the living and breathing embodiment of who I was and also more importantly, what i strived to be. He accepted all of who I was, the good, the bad (not so much of that) ;-) and embraced it and for the first time in my life, I was TRULY able to see the beauty in me. I had known it "logically". I had said it again and again what a good person I was and how I loved people and deserved certain things in life, but never had I actually FELT it and really saw it. He was truly the mirror people speak of when they say people are reflections of who you are. I fell in love with myself. For the first time in my life, I was able to say I loved myself and really mean it. For that gift, I could never repay him. For that gift, I thought this was the reason he came into my life.

I should've known that life doesnt always work on such smaller levels. It does, but always with hopes that it leads to grander things. Without that gift I was given, I could not have experienced this weekend like I did. I know you all see me post bulletins on here about smiling and loving and treating eachother with kindness and respect. I believe it. I still do, but to a lot of people who saw me on here from the beginning weren't really buying what I had to say. They called me brainwashed. They questioned my integrity. They questioned if I had joined some sort of cult. In all honesty, I dont blame one of you. What you saw was a drastic change in your friend. Someone who went from posting sex surveys and dirty pictures to quotes from Ghandi. I can see the humor in it myself. I even at times didn't post certain things because I didnt want people (my friends) to think I had gone crazy. Who is the crazy one now? Me! Judging myself for being exactly who I was. I even thought about just stopping posting so the criticism would stop. Screw that. I watched this person post his bulletins over and over again inviting those in who wanted to be and left those out who chose to stay out. Alright, I am going off on tangents like I used to do in high school essays. Now I finally understand why they made you do essay outlines. Keep you on track Shari. Okay, this weekend. So my friend introduced me to some new music along the way in our friendship and I had really dug the musicians messages. My friend told me that they were playing in San Francisco this weekend at a music festival and I should check it out. Well, I looked up the website and saw it was a whole peace music festival (okay, I wont lie...a hippie fest). But there was something that appealed to me. Number 1, I had never been to SF and had been dying to get there. Number 2, I really wanted to hear them perform and number 3, with 9/11 approaching and with all the negativity surrounding the middle east, I just wanted to be around a bunch of people like my friend. On top of that, my car had just died AGAIN, I had a rental car and I pretty much had the weekend off. Oh yeah, I had also just gotten a new credit card that I had been holding off on for some time for just the right thing. This seemed it. At least even for a good excuse to the family while I went and lived it up in another city for a weekend. I could just tell them if I ended up short at the end of the month, that I was just doing some "soul searching" and they couldnt really argue with their daughter trying to do something positive. In the back of my mind, was partying in Union Square with a bunch of strangers and making some new friends. I knew the festival would be cool, but it was the time away from LA that appealed to me more than anything. I decided to do this alone. I wanted the drive, I wanted my own thoughts, I wanted my own company. I mean, who else would you want to go on a trip with but with someone you were in love with? So I did. :-)

I didnt want this blog to go on this long, but I have never been one to leave out details. I arrived at my motel, put my stuff down and literally said out loud, NOW WHAT? I had these lofty dreams and ideas of how it was going to be and here I was in some city right outside SF kinda in the slums a bit. I had no map, because I didnt think I really needed one. I had no plan, because I was going to wing it, and my computer's wireless was not working. Thankfully to the sweetest Indian man at the front desk, he gave me in detail how to get to downtown and what to avoid, what times, etc. He saved me. Thank you. I found myself in the middle of downtown around a couple of homeless people getting into an altercation right next to me. It was freezing cold, rainy and well, I just wanted a friend with me. My friend who I spoke of before had called me right at that instant and well, I believe I whined like a baby. He didnt let me indulge in it as I knew he knew that I was going to be just fine. We hung up and I went on my way. Took the cable car up to Fishermans Wharf where I was told I should go. I really didnt need to get off there because in all honestly, its just fish. I dont like fish. I didnt need to see the fish stands. . I was fine with just the experience of going up and down the hills like I had seen my whole life in the movies. I was freezing though and trying to take pictures with everybody's heads in the way. This certainly wasnt the idea I had in my head of what this trip was going to be like. I took some cool shots when I got off in Union Square on the way down. I went into some dept stores where I couldve gone to in LA but I really wasnt sure what else to do. I decided perhaps I should treat myself to a really great dinner. I saw this jazz club and it sounded great. Only problem was the show didnt start until 8ish and it was about 6. So, I walked past this Irish bar and saw a ton of people hanging out and an empty spot at the bar behind the tap beer and decided to sit my cold ass down. I really wanted wine but felt kinda silly in an Irish bar while everyone was downing Guinesses and Jamesons. Screw it, they're Irish. They will drink anything and not judge. :-) So I ordered my first glass and drank it a lot slower than I wouldve normally if I wasnt trying to draw out some time. I could've gone for another glass but knew I had to drive back, (find my way back) to my motel. The Irish bartender and I started talking and funny enough, he was getting ready to move to LA in a few weeks. So we joked and laughed and flirted a bit and well, I ended up with another glass of wine in front of me. Much larger glass and well, I was starting to warm up and like this city a bit more. I looked at the time and the 1/4 of my wine left and the thought of how tired I really was and decided against my better judgement, to leave the wine behind and go to the restaurant. I paid for my wine (which he only charged for the first and yes I tipped him large), and we exchanged some kind words and I was on my way. I went and had an overpriced meal which wasnt very good but I am not one to make a big deal of it, so I wrapped it up thinking perhaps it would make a better late night meal in the motel. It actually did I will say. Ahhh, at least tomorrow I knew what I was doing for the whole day. I would be spending the day at Golden Gate Park at a peace music festival with a bunch of tree huggers. This was going to be interesting.

To be continued.... ( I need coffee)
Isn't it funny how I absolutely LOVE writing and now that I have decided to start a blog site, I can't think of a damn thing to write about. I am sure as soon as I leave today a million ideas will come to me. Then of course I will need a recorder, I will buy one and then I won't have anything to say then either. Dark clouds. Mine has been following me for years. I know I know, I am not supposed to be putting these thoughts out there because I create my own reality and the universe will hold on to these thoughts and blah blah blah. My luck sucks. Although I really cant lie and say that things are so bad. I have a friend here that is driving me crazy but at the same time, I couldn't be any luckier. Well, I guess if a bird shit on my head that might be, but other than that, I am truly blessed!
Keep smiling Shari. It will all come together.