Friday, September 22, 2006
Just randomly writing like I said I would do everyday. I woke up today feeling a sense of purpose. Okay, that is slightly a lie. I know there are bigger reasons for me being here and I am working towards finding out exactly what it is. I know that I am going to make major changes in this world, its just finding out on what level. I started volunteering yesterday for Project Angel Food. I delivered to 5 different homes. Each person so completely different. But all of them in the same position. Waiting to have their food delivered by someone who knows their situation. I wonder if that makes any sort of difference in their lives. When I have food delivered, I never really think that much what the driver is thinking except maybe that I am too lazy to cook and perhaps that chocolate cake is a bit unnecessary. Here I am showing up at their door knowing that they have HIV/AIDS. The funny thing is, I have absolutely no judgement of them whatsoever. All I want to do is bring a smile to their front door. Many times, I am the only communication they have with the outside world. I thought there would be a bit more interaction with them yesterday. You can tell the ones though who want to be left completely alone as they grabbed their food from around the back of the door to “Flint” who introduced himself and made small conversation with me. I liked him. His place permeated of marajuana. I almost invited myself in. :-) He lived there with another man who also is infected. They were 2 young guys, good looking, and great personalities. You would never know just “looking” at them, that this terrible virus is eating up their insides. I have a feeling I will get to know them a lot better. Actually, I am counting on it. I am driving again today. I walked away though yesterday knowing that there is more I need to be doing. I think I need to be speaking in public forums. I know that is where my influence lies. But I guess I need to start at the source. Knowing these people, so I am not just talking about them as “them”, but as “us”. It could be any of us. I am also very interested in getting a food drive started for the homeless shelters in my area. My restaurant throws out so much food every single day that there is no reason that we cant be giving it to people who truly need it. I am surprised more restaurants don’t do this. They make it so easy for you. They will come to your location and pick it up. I don’t see where the issue lies. I guess there might be some legal issues involved although I cant see homeless people suing a restaurant over food that they got sick on since it was free. Although, considering the money they need, I guess you never know. But cant our regular paying customers do the same thing? I don’t know. I need to do something though. This idle everyday coming and goings and spending silly money while others are dealing with non-stop life and death issues puts so much in perspective for me. I truly am blessed everyday of my life with what I have and the support system that is behind me no matter what happens. I shall make every effort within me on a human level to remember how lucky I truly am and how insignificant my complaints are. I have a beautiful apt and I have no lack of a social life or friends. I have a car, a laptop computer and all I seem to do is talk about how broke I am. How funny is that? Actually, how sad? I know we all have our problems and mine are mine and I only know what I feel, but after starting this volunteering, I think I am going to see things a bit differently. But I don’t want to be on the “outside” of it, just talking about it like it doesnt really affect me directly. I don’t want to make it a “them” and “us” thing. We are all on this earth together and we all share the same human bonds. We are humans and not one of us is better or more important than one another no matter what we possess or lack. We all possess the same thing. A heart and that will always put us on equal footing. ONE. ONE heart. ONE bloodline. ONE love.
On another note, my friend will be here a week from today. I am so looking forward to his visit. It will be a quick weekend, but a weekend none-the-less. All I want to do is hug him and just spend all day and night talking to him and finding out who he is and how he came about. It will be a fun and interesting weekend. I am sure of it. I have this small part of me that is concerned that I do not meet up to his expectations physically, but really at the end of the day, shouldn’t he see past that? Of course he will on a friendship level, but I guess there is a small part of me that hopes that this is it. I have never felt more at peace with someone than I do with him. But actually, I do know the larger reason we have come into eachothers lives. I know for a fact that we will be doing great things together. I see travel and changing peoples lives in our future. I know this. With every ounce of my being, through each and every cell of mine, I know this with full confidence. Its just figuring out exactly what we should be doing. I think it involves kids. Perhaps some sort of artist thing that just involves these young people and helps develop their self esteem in ways that I needed growing up. My therapist says that is probably why I am so committed to wanting to talk about my sexual abuse and my weight issues and divorce etc, because there is a need in me to give these kids what I never had. Its strange to think that there was a certain level of love that I was not given because I was always so confident in that one thing. I knew I was loved so much even with all the issues my parents had. I was, but I think more than anything I was not accepted. I refuse to let children grow up that way thinking that they werent good enough. No matter what they looked like, talked like, they should all be loved. Sexual abuse is so rampant and it kills me that it has become part of the norm. It’s actually unusual these days to hear about people who have NOT been abused. I cant be the one to stop it, but I can be there for these people who have to deal with the after affects. I know that I was affected in my life by what happened, but I also know that I never blamed myself ever. Even though in other ways it has affected my choices in life till this day, at least there was one aspect that I was able to not take blame for and for that I am grateful and feel that I could perhaps let these kids know the same thing and make them understand that for themselves. That is the gift I can give them.
I really need to start working on this show of mine. I know I will be incorporating all these new aspects (revelations) in my life but I want it to appeal to people on an entertainment level. I don’t want it to come across as preachy where no one will want to hear what I have to say. I think there will be a day when it all comes together and just makes sense and I wont be able to stop writing. This laptop is going to be great because even though this journal entry sucks, its getting me to write and stuff will come out of it. Anything.
It’s so funny how such an “average” looking person can end up looking so hot just because of their hair style or clothes they wear. This guy just walked into the coffee shop and his physical features arent anything special, but he has on such stylish clothes and his hair all coifed looking all “L.A.” and I couldnt stop looking. How superficial is that? Although, is it really? Because if I was really superficial, wouldnt I still find him unattractive? I guess it all depends on what attracts you to the person. Nonsense. Nonsense. Nonsense. What I am writing is nonsense but I am going to keep writing until something comes up.
I am having a quadruple latte today. LOL. What is next? Injecting coffee into my bloodstream? I think drinking this coffee has had the opposite effect on me today. Instead of giving me focus to write, it has made my mind jump around and not be able to focus on one subject. But then again, I have never been able to focus on one thing for long anyway.
I need to start eating better. I am scaring myself this past week or so. Its like my food has become my best friend because I have not been social. Drinking, etc. My doc brought up an important point recently. He said that my relationship with food is the one last remaining unhealthy relationship in my life. I have moved on and gotten rid of the bad people and habits except for the eating. It’s like I am still sabotaging myself with the food. When I am out and about, I don’t think about food, but as soon as I am alone, it starts taunting me. It sucks. I wish I didnt have to deal with this issue. I know eventually it will no longer be an issue because I will have such inner peace from this new direction my life is taking me in. I am soooooooo excited about figuring out this life and my purpose. It’s such an exciting place to be in my life these days. I am meeting different kinds of people online that are in the same place I am and I love it. Even people at work (customers) have noticed my glow. I love that. One woman said she sees a spark in my eyes. It’s there. It’s this new found focus and excitement in my life for what lies ahead. I don’t know if acting is it, well, I know that it will definitely play a part in my life, but not sure how just yet. Patience shari. Patience. All will be revealed. Alright, I think this is plenty of writing for the day and week perhaps. :-)