Friday, October 06, 2006

Who Is She? (Part 1)

You know, I have asked myself that question it seems for my whole life. But the past few months more than ever. Especially being on this site where people who know you make judgements, people who dont know you make judgements, and where you start making judgements about yourself based on what others start to believe about you. I was that person. I started on this site "looking" for a boyfriend. That honestly was my goal of being on here. I didnt want to accept women as "friends", well because honestly, I had the few I wanted in my life, and really, I never really trusted them so much. But I think more I just wanted lots and lots of men on my page to stalk. It worked. I met men. I went on lots and lots of dates and had some insane experiences. So much so, that I had an idea to write a coffee table book about my internet dating life but put that on the back burner as in mostly everything else I do. Some time went by and I met someone here who ultimately has led me to this point. Someone who initially I didnt want as a myspace friend. He didnt "fit" the mold of who I was looking for in a boyfriend. Mostly because he lived very far away and well, if you know me, so far from my "type". But, there was this inner voice speaking to me and his persistance and the fact that I knew it was safe because he lived so far away. All I had to do was just ignore his messages if it got to much or if I just didnt want to talk to him. I mean, it was just the computer. All I had to do was press delete.

He is now the reason why I think it might be cheaper just to fly to him than pay these damn cell phone bills. Funny how life works. How things come into your life at just the moment you need them to. Even if you dont realize it just yet. I didn't realize it until this weekend. I knew on an emotional level how much he had helped me. How he just confirmed my already present belief in the goodness of people. He didnt change the core of who I was and my beliefs, what he did was confirm them and give them a voice. For that, I will be eternally grateful. He was the living and breathing embodiment of who I was and also more importantly, what i strived to be. He accepted all of who I was, the good, the bad (not so much of that) ;-) and embraced it and for the first time in my life, I was TRULY able to see the beauty in me. I had known it "logically". I had said it again and again what a good person I was and how I loved people and deserved certain things in life, but never had I actually FELT it and really saw it. He was truly the mirror people speak of when they say people are reflections of who you are. I fell in love with myself. For the first time in my life, I was able to say I loved myself and really mean it. For that gift, I could never repay him. For that gift, I thought this was the reason he came into my life.

I should've known that life doesnt always work on such smaller levels. It does, but always with hopes that it leads to grander things. Without that gift I was given, I could not have experienced this weekend like I did. I know you all see me post bulletins on here about smiling and loving and treating eachother with kindness and respect. I believe it. I still do, but to a lot of people who saw me on here from the beginning weren't really buying what I had to say. They called me brainwashed. They questioned my integrity. They questioned if I had joined some sort of cult. In all honesty, I dont blame one of you. What you saw was a drastic change in your friend. Someone who went from posting sex surveys and dirty pictures to quotes from Ghandi. I can see the humor in it myself. I even at times didn't post certain things because I didnt want people (my friends) to think I had gone crazy. Who is the crazy one now? Me! Judging myself for being exactly who I was. I even thought about just stopping posting so the criticism would stop. Screw that. I watched this person post his bulletins over and over again inviting those in who wanted to be and left those out who chose to stay out. Alright, I am going off on tangents like I used to do in high school essays. Now I finally understand why they made you do essay outlines. Keep you on track Shari. Okay, this weekend. So my friend introduced me to some new music along the way in our friendship and I had really dug the musicians messages. My friend told me that they were playing in San Francisco this weekend at a music festival and I should check it out. Well, I looked up the website and saw it was a whole peace music festival (okay, I wont lie...a hippie fest). But there was something that appealed to me. Number 1, I had never been to SF and had been dying to get there. Number 2, I really wanted to hear them perform and number 3, with 9/11 approaching and with all the negativity surrounding the middle east, I just wanted to be around a bunch of people like my friend. On top of that, my car had just died AGAIN, I had a rental car and I pretty much had the weekend off. Oh yeah, I had also just gotten a new credit card that I had been holding off on for some time for just the right thing. This seemed it. At least even for a good excuse to the family while I went and lived it up in another city for a weekend. I could just tell them if I ended up short at the end of the month, that I was just doing some "soul searching" and they couldnt really argue with their daughter trying to do something positive. In the back of my mind, was partying in Union Square with a bunch of strangers and making some new friends. I knew the festival would be cool, but it was the time away from LA that appealed to me more than anything. I decided to do this alone. I wanted the drive, I wanted my own thoughts, I wanted my own company. I mean, who else would you want to go on a trip with but with someone you were in love with? So I did. :-)

I didnt want this blog to go on this long, but I have never been one to leave out details. I arrived at my motel, put my stuff down and literally said out loud, NOW WHAT? I had these lofty dreams and ideas of how it was going to be and here I was in some city right outside SF kinda in the slums a bit. I had no map, because I didnt think I really needed one. I had no plan, because I was going to wing it, and my computer's wireless was not working. Thankfully to the sweetest Indian man at the front desk, he gave me in detail how to get to downtown and what to avoid, what times, etc. He saved me. Thank you. I found myself in the middle of downtown around a couple of homeless people getting into an altercation right next to me. It was freezing cold, rainy and well, I just wanted a friend with me. My friend who I spoke of before had called me right at that instant and well, I believe I whined like a baby. He didnt let me indulge in it as I knew he knew that I was going to be just fine. We hung up and I went on my way. Took the cable car up to Fishermans Wharf where I was told I should go. I really didnt need to get off there because in all honestly, its just fish. I dont like fish. I didnt need to see the fish stands. . I was fine with just the experience of going up and down the hills like I had seen my whole life in the movies. I was freezing though and trying to take pictures with everybody's heads in the way. This certainly wasnt the idea I had in my head of what this trip was going to be like. I took some cool shots when I got off in Union Square on the way down. I went into some dept stores where I couldve gone to in LA but I really wasnt sure what else to do. I decided perhaps I should treat myself to a really great dinner. I saw this jazz club and it sounded great. Only problem was the show didnt start until 8ish and it was about 6. So, I walked past this Irish bar and saw a ton of people hanging out and an empty spot at the bar behind the tap beer and decided to sit my cold ass down. I really wanted wine but felt kinda silly in an Irish bar while everyone was downing Guinesses and Jamesons. Screw it, they're Irish. They will drink anything and not judge. :-) So I ordered my first glass and drank it a lot slower than I wouldve normally if I wasnt trying to draw out some time. I could've gone for another glass but knew I had to drive back, (find my way back) to my motel. The Irish bartender and I started talking and funny enough, he was getting ready to move to LA in a few weeks. So we joked and laughed and flirted a bit and well, I ended up with another glass of wine in front of me. Much larger glass and well, I was starting to warm up and like this city a bit more. I looked at the time and the 1/4 of my wine left and the thought of how tired I really was and decided against my better judgement, to leave the wine behind and go to the restaurant. I paid for my wine (which he only charged for the first and yes I tipped him large), and we exchanged some kind words and I was on my way. I went and had an overpriced meal which wasnt very good but I am not one to make a big deal of it, so I wrapped it up thinking perhaps it would make a better late night meal in the motel. It actually did I will say. Ahhh, at least tomorrow I knew what I was doing for the whole day. I would be spending the day at Golden Gate Park at a peace music festival with a bunch of tree huggers. This was going to be interesting.

To be continued.... ( I need coffee)

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